Success as a failure

One of the first things my new boss taught me when I started with SCS is that its OK to fail as long as you CYA (cover your ass). If I have exausted every single option and nothing works and the best solution isn't possible, it's ok. It's happened to me on a few sites, but none more evident than today.

I made my way down to the Huntington market with 4 very specific goals. Now I gave myself 2 full days to achieve them, but I am already well on my way to failing at three of them. And they aren't even very challenging goals, but I am trying.

Lawrence County, Ohio
Goal: Find out property info on a parcel.
Normally in most counties in PA, this isn't hard. You look at a tax assessment map, find the parcel number, and look up the owner's name. For some reason, in Ohio, this is an extremely cumbersome and difficult process. They don't know which way north is. I walk into this place with a survey depicting 4 different parcels, with legal descriptions, and 3 different departments can't tell me who own the parcel next to it. Failure #1.

Prichard, WV- Tower Site
Goal: Obtain telephone circuit ID from telco box at tower site.
The first few times I went to this site, the gate at the access road was secure with what I could only describe as a twisty tie. This wasn't the case today. There were five (5) locks, 3 combo, 2 key, daisy chained together at the road gate. This poses a problem for young, Patrick. See I had the combo to the compound and tried it on all three combo locks. To my chagrin, not a one worked. So there I stand, I good 1/2 mile from the tower, with no way into the the access road. If the combos I got today don't work, I'm walking it.

Lawrence County (that's right, another one), Kentucky (that's right, the difinitive -tucky)
Goal: Obtain Tax Parcel ID and Deed Book reference for existing tower site
The sad reality is that the tower own could not provide this info for me after asking for it over a month ago. I went to the courthouse, looked up the maps, and the maps in this Lawrence County were actually good. But, the map numbers did not reference property owners or deed numbers. HOW DOES THIS COUNTY COLLECT PROPERTY TAXES?????? I went to the recorder's office, and they were less helpful than mapping.

So three goals today, 3 failures. Not one of them was within my control. It's very sobering.

Weekend Recap

This is the speed version of the 4 day Thanksgiving Weekend, starting with the moment I was kicked out of the office by the Presidet and COO at 3:00 pm:

Kohl's for jeans and underpants, nap, Double K for Revolver, On Demand Movies, Phantom phone calls, movie quote contest, football, turkey, gravy, apple pie, rock Shakey's, watch PTM at Shakey's, inappropriate humor, Jeep Ride with Sheetz lunch, Red Robin, cancelled show, More On Demand Movies, real phone call (waking me up), college football, rocked Pepper's, straightened up the A-P-T, talked to mom, watched the bears dominate, had an awkward moment, reconciled, outback steakhouse, Just Friends, finshed the night strong.

Then I got to work today and forgot how to do anything. 4 day weekends are rough.

The Return of the Movie Quote Contest

Back in college, I administered a National Movie Quote Contest with friends from IU, Purdue, Florida and other colleges. Chili Cheese Salz was champion and J. Conwell was runner up. This go ‘round, I’m changing the rules.

-All answers must be submitted to me via email (patrick.riordan@gmail.com) or MySpace message (http://www.myspace.com/patrickriordan).
-Scoring: 1 point for movie, 1 point for character name, 1 point for actor, 1 bonus point for all three correct
-Honor system: there isn’t one. I can’t police this.
-In case of a tie, whoever submitted their answers first will be deemed champion of the game.
-All answers must be submitted with in one week (7 days) of the posting date on Blogger.
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Round 1: 40 Possible Points

“You’re a lousy fucking softball player, Jack!”

“I hope you were the groom.”

“They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time it works every time.”

“This weekend is not about me. It is about you. I'm gonna show you a good time. We're gonna drink a lot of good wine. We're gonna play some golf. We're gonna eat some great food and enjoy the scenery and we are going to send you off in style, mon frere.”

“Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.”

“Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't get in a car, I don't ride in a car, I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don't fucking roll! Shomer shabbos!”

“True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend”

“This is the kid, calls me 59 days in a row, wants to be a player. There ought to be a picture of you in the dictionary under persistence kid.”

“You Want details? Fine. I drive a Ferrari, 355 Cabriolet, What's up? I have a ridiculous house in the South Fork. I have every toy you could possibly imagine. And best of all kids, I am liquid.”

“Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!”

Here's the fake news

As some of my readers know, I was once a journalist. Back in high school I wrote for the Panther Press, but never had aspirations of becoming a professional. From time to time, I like to let those old demons out and write as if I were still a reporter or columnist.

So here is a news story I concoted out of a conversation I had with Eric today while we were talking about the best drunk food by region. And yes, I have a slight chili dog obsession right now. And yes, it's someone else's fault that introduced me to the greatness of them in PA.

---------------------------------------------

Sudden name change sparks riots in Hbg

By Patrick Riordan
AP Contributor

HARRISBURG - Upon moving to Central Pennsylvania, young Eric Salczynski officially changes the Rico with Cheese from a barbecue bacon cheese burger to a chili cheese dog. This caused quite a ruckus downtown when millions of adoring fans received hot dogs instead of hamburgers when they ordered the Rico. Riots ensued, Salczynski is presumed stolen and smothered in chili and cheese somewhere in Perry County.

About three years ago, D. Scott Riordan, a high school friend of Salczynski, had deemed the barbecue bacon cheeseburger the “Rico with Cheese” after seeing a Burger King commercial.

“Rico deserved to have a sandwich named after him,” Riordan said. “He’s a credit to the cheese world and the public needs to realize this. The Burger King commercial was just a fluke. I would have named any sandwich ‘Rico with Cheese’ as long as it had copious amounts of cheese on it.”

Riordan heard the news last night that his suggestion had been changed to the Chili Cheese Dog.

“I’m not happy about this,” Riordan replied. “I wasn’t consulted on changing the sandwich. I was working on a national campaign for the Rico with Cheese. This doesn’t sit well with me.”

Salczynski, who was on tour with the Indiana Based quartet Darling, recently legally changed his middle name to “Chili Cheese” to signal the triumphant change of the Rico to the chili cheese dog, popular here in PA.

“It was time for a change,” Chili Cheese Salczynski said. “I had been living as Eric Edward for so long and it’s a good name and it works, but I need something with a little pizzazz. Chili Cheese does it for me. And it’s so delicious on a hot dog.”

Rioters outside The Spot in downtown Harrisburg were subdued with Chili Cheese Dogs. As it turned out, they just wanted to satisfy a late-night, alcohol induced Rico craving. Keith Hoppes, chili cheese dog connoisseur and gay pirate hooker, was among the drunk and hungry.

“I don’t care what it’s called, just make sure I get one when I want one,” Hoppes quipped. “The Spot dogs aren’t even good, but when I’m drunk, it’s like hitting on an ugly girl. Beer goggles, know what I mean? Same concept with Spot dogs.”

Salczynski’s whereabouts are uncertain at this point. Before the riots were subdued, he was carried out in the ruckus. Authorities have some leads in Perry County, but nothing has turned up yet. Salczynski’s family is holding out hope.

“All he wanted to do was bring the world was a great name for a delicious treat,” said Kristen, the eldest of Eric’s 3 younger sisters. “A great hot dog deserves a great name.”

For information regarding Salczynski’s whereabouts or donations for his Rico with Cheese fund, visit http://www.chilicheesesalz.com/ or 1-888-4-CC-SALZ.

Supermarket reading

Headlines from various magazines I saw while I was in line at the Giant today:

People Magazine: Matthew McConaughey - Sexiest Man Alive 2005
Comment: I never figured Wooderson would get this title, but I guess starring in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days sealed the deal for him. Oddly enough, this doesn't really piss me off. Matthew is kind of sexiest man alive that I can support. If for no other reason he was arrested for playing bongos naked is his own house. And I loved EdTV.

In Touch: Bonus, 2 astounding headlines
BRAD AND JEN REUNION!
I think I'm the only male in his mid 20s in this country that actually prefers Aniston to Jolie. Scotty G and I used to get ridiculed for watching Friends in college, but we were Rachel fans. Now I don't really care who Bradley ends up with, but it's hilarious to me that after all of this Brangelina hoopla, that Angelina may actually drive Brad back to Jen... allegedly.

New Touble for Britney and Kevin!
Let me get this straight... unknown trashy dude meets Spears, convinces her to marry him, plants his seed in her womb, uses her fame to record an AWFUL rap cd, and now he's a little peeved that he's Mr. Britney Spears? Someone forgot who bought engagement ring... and gives him the weekly allowance. Sounds like a solid deal to me. Why would he actively try to screw this up? Is his self esteem really that low that he can't handle his wife's worldwide fame and that he's leeching onto it??

Teen People: Jessica and Ashlee: Together
Comment: I never realized how not related they look. Are they really sisters? Or is Ashlee the milkman's kid? And speaking of 7th Heaven alums, when is it ok for me to freely admit that Ruthie (Mackenzie Rossman, and yes, it is sad that I didn't have to look that up) is hot? Is it an Olsen twins kind of deal, or can I just publicly say she's a knockout without consequence? Someone needs to work on this...

I really need to stop shopping on Sunday mornings. I might end up going insane.

Shakey's and Rivalries

Big show last night. And in the opinion of the band, we didn't live up to the hype. But no worries. We're still tightening up, working through songs, but we will be on point very soon. If nothing else, we have a lot of fun and it seems like the fans have a great time.

It was great to see my aunt, cousin and some of my co-workers come out for the show. Missy jumped up on stage and kissed me! Why does this keep happening? I think this is my second show where a good looking girl comes up and kisses the humble bass player. Wow.

The After Party...
If by after party, I mean eating crap food at the Eat n' Park. It was the kind of place where:

1. I was so hungry I didn't know what to get.
2. The waitress took 10 minuntes to get our drinks
3. The waitress took 15 minutes to take my order because of item number 1.

So the food sucked. Evidently at one point, Darrell had such a good insult for me that he was laughing so hard that he couldn't say it. Now that is what I call a burn...

But of course, that wasn't the high point. The highlight of the After Party was some unintelligible dude coming up to Keith... Here's how it transpired:

Dude: (uninteligible) duck hunting??

Keith: No. I don't fish and hunt. I catch and kill. And not ducks.

Dude: (unitelligibe).... New York.... (unintelligible)... duck hunting... man?

Keith: I don't hunt in New York, you can't use rifles.

Dude: Let me get your number, I want to give it to my friend.

Keith: No, I'm not giving you my number.

Then there was a little more banter. Luke told me to give him Jenny's phone number (867-5309). I didn't want to take any risks. I guess this is what happens at the EnP at 3:30 am.

College Football Saturday:IU plays Purdue for the Old Oaken Bucket in my old college town of Bloomington, Indiana. My Prediction: IU 31 Purdue 24. OH! Yeah

Other prediction: Notre Dame 35 Syracuse 17. Poor Orangemen, but ND is going BCS this year.

Downtown Hbg

Went downtown to Harrisburg last night after a long day of band practice. The night started innocently enough as Brian and I practiced our acoustic set. We're going to throw out a few surprise songs, so it should be fun.

After that, Brian, Michelle, and I headed downtown after I received a text message to meet a friend I hadn't seen in over a month. And to my surprise, there were two friends! So it was a good time downtown. And since it is like me to catalog my drinks for the night, it went something like this:

Jagerbomb
Guinness
Miller Lite
Miller Lite
Miller Lite.

Not bad for about 2 hours. But the night was far from finished. Post Molly Brannigans, we headed to the Spot against our better judgment for some chili cheese dogs. Now, the Spot doesn't have the best chili cheese dogs in the world, but at 2 am and when your blood is a little thinner from the alcohol... it hits the spot (pun totally intended). I equate it to this: Normally the ugly girl the bar that keeps trying to talk to you but you don't think she's good looking til about the 5 shot of SoCo, then all the sudden she's a hottie. When you're that drunk, The Spot, White Castle, and La Bamba are actually that good. Not recommended without and heavy alcoholic appetizer.

Everybody's workin for the weekend...

Oh I had to quote Loverboy. That's good stuff.

Happy Friday everyone. And Happy Birthday to my Nana.

I am suggesting some light reading this weeked. This is the latest from Joe K's blog. It's for those that love off the wall quotes, especially in a newspaper room before noon.

Best quote from the blog: "Not that you need to worry, but he thought you were a good looking man. When I die, I'm going to have my tombstone say that I was the only woman in Kosciusko County not to sleep with him." Koz-ee-os-ko. It's a county in Indiana. Much like Northumberland (PA) or St. Johns (FLA).

Notre Dame vs. Navy prediction: ND 42 Navy 14. Sorry boys, Weis/Quinn is just too tough.
Chicago (-13) vs. San Francisco prediction: CHI 24 SF 10. Give the points. "Is Ditka driving the bus??"

Movie recommenation: Jarhead. And please tell me if it's good.
Music reco: Anything by Neil Diamond. I suggest "Cherry Cherry." You might as well download the Loverboy song not that I have you thinking about it.

Something funnier coming in the near future.

Let's try this ONE more time

Ok. I'll probably give up on this blog and try to resurrect it again in the future, but let's pretend that I won't this time.

Welcome back to "Donny, you're out of your element." A blog dedicated to the ridiculous thoughts in my head. I've been cheating on my blogspot blog with the myspace blog, but that's about to get more interesting since I fully plan on using both, depending on my mood.

Topic 1: Trivial Pursuit cards at bars
Absolutely, without a doubt, a great idea. This needs to be instituted everywhere. Never has insignificant background chatter has caused more butting in by rednecks and lesbians into keith and my conversations than these cards. It's phenomenal. Plus I kick his ass everytime. And if the answers weren't printed on the back, I'm sure bar fights would break out over questions like "Who's mug is on the Nepalese quarter?"

Topic 2: Slogans
"Biting the Hand Back that Feeds Patrick." I don't get it either.

Topic 3: Accents
I had a discussion tonight about regional American accents. It came down to Minnesota versus Southeastern U.S. I think the southern accent is the most incoherent thing ever when done properly. Like this one dude in Kentucky telling some crazy story about his dog Patches... Or Patrick... Or Matthew... You see my point. I've also met some people in West Virginia that I couldn't understand to save my life. But I've always understood those in Minnesota. I'm not saying our friends in the Land of 10,000 lakes sound smart. Not in the least. But I can understand what they are saying. That's all I'm saying.

It's good to be back.