Here's the fake news

As some of my readers know, I was once a journalist. Back in high school I wrote for the Panther Press, but never had aspirations of becoming a professional. From time to time, I like to let those old demons out and write as if I were still a reporter or columnist.

So here is a news story I concoted out of a conversation I had with Eric today while we were talking about the best drunk food by region. And yes, I have a slight chili dog obsession right now. And yes, it's someone else's fault that introduced me to the greatness of them in PA.

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Sudden name change sparks riots in Hbg

By Patrick Riordan
AP Contributor

HARRISBURG - Upon moving to Central Pennsylvania, young Eric Salczynski officially changes the Rico with Cheese from a barbecue bacon cheese burger to a chili cheese dog. This caused quite a ruckus downtown when millions of adoring fans received hot dogs instead of hamburgers when they ordered the Rico. Riots ensued, Salczynski is presumed stolen and smothered in chili and cheese somewhere in Perry County.

About three years ago, D. Scott Riordan, a high school friend of Salczynski, had deemed the barbecue bacon cheeseburger the “Rico with Cheese” after seeing a Burger King commercial.

“Rico deserved to have a sandwich named after him,” Riordan said. “He’s a credit to the cheese world and the public needs to realize this. The Burger King commercial was just a fluke. I would have named any sandwich ‘Rico with Cheese’ as long as it had copious amounts of cheese on it.”

Riordan heard the news last night that his suggestion had been changed to the Chili Cheese Dog.

“I’m not happy about this,” Riordan replied. “I wasn’t consulted on changing the sandwich. I was working on a national campaign for the Rico with Cheese. This doesn’t sit well with me.”

Salczynski, who was on tour with the Indiana Based quartet Darling, recently legally changed his middle name to “Chili Cheese” to signal the triumphant change of the Rico to the chili cheese dog, popular here in PA.

“It was time for a change,” Chili Cheese Salczynski said. “I had been living as Eric Edward for so long and it’s a good name and it works, but I need something with a little pizzazz. Chili Cheese does it for me. And it’s so delicious on a hot dog.”

Rioters outside The Spot in downtown Harrisburg were subdued with Chili Cheese Dogs. As it turned out, they just wanted to satisfy a late-night, alcohol induced Rico craving. Keith Hoppes, chili cheese dog connoisseur and gay pirate hooker, was among the drunk and hungry.

“I don’t care what it’s called, just make sure I get one when I want one,” Hoppes quipped. “The Spot dogs aren’t even good, but when I’m drunk, it’s like hitting on an ugly girl. Beer goggles, know what I mean? Same concept with Spot dogs.”

Salczynski’s whereabouts are uncertain at this point. Before the riots were subdued, he was carried out in the ruckus. Authorities have some leads in Perry County, but nothing has turned up yet. Salczynski’s family is holding out hope.

“All he wanted to do was bring the world was a great name for a delicious treat,” said Kristen, the eldest of Eric’s 3 younger sisters. “A great hot dog deserves a great name.”

For information regarding Salczynski’s whereabouts or donations for his Rico with Cheese fund, visit http://www.chilicheesesalz.com/ or 1-888-4-CC-SALZ.