More tales from the JoeCoShow

April 2003-
I was an uninvited guest on the Mangina Monologues with Mark and Joe. My lust for making prank phone calls was in full popularity of the 6 person listening audience (4 of whom were in the studio). Here is one of my all time favorite radio moments. This one involves the great Joe Kirkendall.

Mark: Let's do a call.
Pat: Who should we call?
Joe: Let's call my dad's cut glass company, I know the guy that's working today. It will be great.
Pat: What do I say?
Joe: Tell them you're with Zimmer Company and you need glass golf balls as soon as possible.
Pat: Will he believe that?
Joe: Oh yeah, Zimmer always does business with us.
Pat: Dial it up!!
........
Clerk: Warsaw Cut Glass Company, how can I help you?
Pat: Hi, I'm Patrick, I'm the new purchasing agent with Zimmer, I was wondering if I could get a rush order in that I need ASAP.
Clerk: Sure, what do you need?
Pat: I need glass golf balls, can you do that?
Clerk: We don't usually do that, but I think we can. How many do you need?
Pat: At least one pair right away. If they are good, we'll order more. Can you invoice us?
Clerk: Yeah we can invoice you, that's no problem. How big do you want them?
Pat: It doesn't matter how big the piece is, just as long as the balls are huge.
Clerk: Ok, we can do that.
Pat: Do you know Joe Kirkendall?
Clerk: Yeah, I know Joe.
Pat: Uh... he just punk'd you. You're on the radio in Bloomington. He had me call you, I'm not with Zimmer. There is no order for huge glass balls.
[Background laughter and hilarity]
Clerk: Tell Joe he's gonna get more than punk'd next time I see him.

Good times....

Let me get this straight...

So I've been thinking a lot about things Kerry said, especially with this lost explosives fiasco. He has said time and again that Bush has failed in Iraq and this is more fuel for the fire. But evidence shows that the weapons were gone prior to the April 10th, 2003, when we toppled Saddam.

Here's the funny thing. Alan Colmes said that Kerry is attacking the administration, and not the troops on the ground. Obviously, Colmes needs to do some research on organizational management. Bush puts forth a plan, the generals pass orders to Colonels who pass orders to Majors and so on and so on. Bush orders the big picture, the troops carry out the little tasks. So saying the administration failed at a little task attacks the troops on the ground. But this isn't the first time Kerry attacked his own country's troops on the ground, is it?

So let me get this straight... I am to believe Kerry supports the troops, but this is the wrong war at the wrong time.

Bush lied about WMD, but didn't secure weapons that are definitely there.

Bush has distracted fighting a war on terror in Iraq, when terrorists are coming into Iraq and fighting Americans.

Kerry will build strong alliances, but France and Germany refuse to commit a troop or a $1 no matter who is in power.

Kerry says outsourcing is bad, but he wants to flood the market with canadian drugs.

Oil Prices are too high, but drilling offshore and in alaska to increase supply is bad.

The point is I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. Let me tell you something about Iraq from the ground: It's going better than you think. I have a source, we'll call him Lance Corporal Dan Riordan that says it's going well. They are rebuilding school. Yes there is a resistance from terrorists, but that's where they are there to do, fight a war on TERROR. Amazing thought isn't it?

Gotta go 2

It has been a while since my last blog, so I'm doing two today. The problem is, I don't really have anything to talk about in post #2 today. What I'm thinking of doing is post a new song I finished writing on Sunday. (Five minutes to walk out to the car and ponder.....)

Ok I will. Here's a little Behind the Music. I was at my Uncle's Apartment at 3 am Sunday Morning, and I couldn't sleep. Usually this is when I think of song lyrics and song ideas, but forget them by morning. So I got up out of bed, found a pen, but couldn't find paper (Great). Lucky for me, I had my folio in my car, which has a legal yellow pad and all but 1 of my previous songs. So I grabbed that, and put pen to paper. It's more or less a song about new beginnings and old fears. I kept thinking of the song "Surrender" by Sister Hazel, and that influences the chorus. If I were famous, this could be a radio single because I put simple but effective music to it. Anyway, I like it. If any A and R reps are reading this, feel free to email me (as if).

-----------------------------------------------

"Only One That Matters"
Words and Music by Patrick Riordan (c)2004

Today's the day I look to the sky to see amazing things
An yesterday I wondered why, If you ever felt the sting
So a week ago I dropped my guard to let you right back in
That sky tonight shines bright those stars and surrenders me again

Are the memories enough to last forever?
Or do they lack what you and I both wanted?

(Chorus)
So look me in the eye, take me by the hand
Tell me what your heart still knows so I can understand
Then meet me at the point where we can be together
Cause to me, in my dreams, in my life
You're the only one who matters

I must be crazy to think that I can fill my fantasies
But looking back I see that night of recent tragedies
To see your smile is all I need to get it back once more
And kiss your lips, and know the feel just like it was before

Can I take the chance just like I did back then?
Or is my mind just seeing things that aren't really there?

(Chorus maybe a solo/middle 8 and another chorus)
------------------------------------------------

So that's my latest. One thing I've learned is that it's never done. I can always add/change/dump in the future. But feel free to comment.

A first in my life

Yesterday, for the first time EVER in my life, I paid over $2 for a gallon of Unleaded gasoline. It was kind of an amazing moment. I was even a little excited about it. At the end of the fueling, I had spent $45 to fill my gas tank. I'm sure a new record will be set within the month.

Saturday, Air Force 1 flew right over my head. I was at the Bush Rally at Alltell Stadium, the largest voluntary campaign rally in history. I say voluntary because Philly's rally for Kerny was larger, but all the city workers were given the day off and attendance was mandatory. But I digress. Bush's speech sounded canned at times, but I'm sure he gave that exact speech about 647 times in the last 3 days. I shouldn't critcize because my favourite bands play the same set list throughout a tour, so it's really the same thing. But it was a surreal experience. I can now say I was in the presence of America's Greatest President.

Radio Show Names

The Joe Collins Radio show for 2004-2005 changes it's name weekly. I say we start a campaign to get some suggestions for future show names. Here are some names he has had this year:

"The Union Jack Finger Fiasco"
"The Wayne Angers Show"

Some Names he had in past years (with other WIUS personalities) are:
"Sean Conneriah and Other Venarial Music"
"The Mangina Monologues"

Throwing my hat into the ring I will suggest "Nutsacks and Mayhem with Joseph." The only other thing I can think of "Deuce and a half with Joe" or "That Great Campus Po-opping Radio Show." Please leave your suggestions in the comments.

The Joe Collins Radio Show

For the 2 people that actually read this blog, I'd like to introduce you to my favorite radio show in the entire US of A. I don't even know if it has a name this year. Last year it was called "Too Hardcore for One Hand with Joe and Joe". The second Joe is Joe Kirkendall (note: I have 6 Joe's in my cell phone contacts). It's hosted by my good friend Joe Collins. This Blog is dedicated to the fun times I've had as a guest the Joe Show. Think of it as the textual version of the Best Of:

First Appearance Dec 01: I called in to what was then known as "Behind the Pegboy" with Elon and Mark, my good friend Brian Kremer was guest host. At the time I was managing a video store in Wright Quad. All Brian wanted to know was if we had porn.
BK: So what kind of Porn do you have?
PR: We don't really carry it. Parents would get upset. But we have this one film called "Breasts: A Documentary." It was on HBO, I think."
BK: Is it worthy of a deposit in the spank bank?
PR: Doesn't look like it. I don't see attractive women on the cover.

(note: I'm listening to Neal Boortz while I am at work, and he decided that Mrs. John Edwards is fair gamed and said she has bulked up since they got married. He poses the question to Edwards "Do you think your wife is fat by choice or because she was born that way?" I had to get that in, sorry.)

I made regular appearances during my senior year. I didn't do anything of great importance until second semester when I'd break out the acoustic and lead a sing along. But then we renewed a joke done by other radio jockeys: the phone prank.

March '03 (on air):
Joe Kirkendall: Hey, let's call someone.
JC: OK, who should we call?
JK: How about my girlfriend's sister's roommate? She's not bright.
PR: I used to have a crush on her back in September... Dial it up!
[Phone dialed and ringing]
Answering Machine: Hi, we're not here to take your call, leave a message and we'll call you back!
PR: Hey Jen, this is Patrick, Joe's Friend. I just wanted to call and tell you I have a really HUGE crush on you and I think we should go out sometime. It would be fun. We could go out to dinner or for a walk or something, then we could get naked and roll around in the sack for a while. Sound good? Gimme a call!
[Laughter throughout the studio]
JC: Where do you come up with this stuff?
PR: I don't know, it just came to me.

More to come.....

What's yer point?

This article from RollingStone.com is long, and I don't see the point. What was this guy trying to accomplish? Did he come out feeling at all better about Republicans? He doesn't say. Maybe it is that there are "good" and "bad" Republicans. I feel ill....

Our Dumbass President

For four years now, I've had to hear about the lack of intelligence of George W. Bush from those that oppose him. To tell you the truth, I'm a little sick of it. And here's why:

Yale graduate. Harvard MBA. Successful businessman. Governor of the State of Texas. President of the United States. Grantor of freedom to 50,000,000 people and counting. I can hear the arguments now...

Bush money got him into Yale and Harvard. Bush legacy got him in, Bush money paid the tuition, but W hard work and intelligence got him to graduate. I'm going to let you in on something: Virtually no dumb people go to IVY League Schools. It doesn't happen. I went to freaking IU Bloomington, and not that many dumb people went their either. If the Ivy league is the most elite collection of high learning institutions in this country, then wouldn't it be logical to think that W is one of the elite minds in this country? You all believe John Kerry is, and he went there, too. Keep in mind that Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard Business School. Michael Dell dropped out of Univerisity of Texas- Austin.

Bush failed at many businesses. Ah yes, but he was successful at a few as well. He brought a brand new stadium to Texas for the Rangers and fulfilled a boyhood dream. Most successful businessmen fail a few times anyway. You remember Donald Trump? He has this show called "The Apprentice." Long story short, he has declared bankruptcy in the past and had to give up title of chairman and CEO of his own casino company. So to make Bush out to be stupid because he failed at running a business is riduclous.

My theory is that most of the people who think he is stupid are arrogant people that probably think a lot of people are stupid. Who are they to think they are so smart? The President is a good man. If you disagree with him, that's one thing, but if you viciously and unjustly pass judgment on him, then you probably need to do a little thinking about the next time you criticize anyone's intelligence.

Are you for serious?

Matt Drudge reports:
Edwards: "When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going to walk. Get up out of that wheelchair and walk again"

I didn't even think he could go that low. I suppose trial lawyers are just more educated versions of sleezy salesmen...

In other news, Big oil is to blame for high gas prices. Just ask John Forbes. I wonder if John noticed that demand hasn't shrunk in the least for oil. Economically speaking, how does he think the oil prices will fall if demand contiues to remail high or even increase, while supply is shrinking? I wish I could draw some supply and demand curves on this thing... BLAST!!

The argument that Bush's buddies are gaining from this, but if crude oil is at an all time high, wouldn't that mean their cost of goods sold is at an all-time high as well? The business are just trying to maintain a profit margin so they can do things like... oh I don't know... provide American Jobs. Oh that's right, Bush isn't doing that either. I guess Carry has a plan to decrease demand and increase supply of oil so the equilibrium market price is low enough.

PS- I drive and SUV and have a 40 mile drive to work a day. And I don't blame Bush for my demand for oil.

Lord I was born a rambling man

Volume 2 of my completely unoriginal (but hopefully funny) Ramblings post.

Hitler ruined it for every person that wanted the short-square mousache. Just a shame.

Nothing good EVER came from a story that starts, "So I was showering at the gym today..." Yes, I have heard a story that started that way.

Ok, one good thing came from that: Unparalleled embarassment ammunition when that guy is trying to impress chicks. "Hey Steve, tell them about that time you were in the gym shower and you had an interesting story about it. Ladies, this is a classic!"

Has anyone boarded a plane saying, "I sure hope something amazingly scary happens today because I'm running out of conversation topics"?

What happened to Katie Holmes? You can't go from Joey to nothing. It's impossible. How is Hillary Duff more popular than her?

Celebrities I've been told I look like: Joshua Jackson (the Pacey), Jeff Gordon, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Clay Aiken, Nick Carter.

Hey lady from the plane, I do NOT look like Clay Aiken.

You ever wonder what Michael Moore's America would look like? Maybe we should give him a 30 day trial offer just so people would stop buying into his crap.

I love that "the deuce" has taken on new meaning. Thank you Brandon.

I think I'm one of the very few that hopes at least 2 more Cat 3 hurricanes come our way to get another few million people to move out of FLA.

What's with all the toll roads?

Another 48 hours...

Flew into Gary/Chicago International Airport this weekend to see mom & co. I drank a lot of miller lite. I don't even really like miller lite. I guess its not so bad. Anyway, I'm back in the FLA and I'm ready to rock. I need to sleep....

Oh, but about GYY. This airport has 1 gate. One. Uno. Well, correction, 1 jetway, one gate that leads to a stairway. They also have hand-written boarding cards. The plane that flies out of there to Sanford, FLA, is probably older than my brother Bob. This thing had to have the ashtrays welded shut in the armrests.... who still flies planes with ashtrays??? How old does a plane have to be??? I did, however meet some nice people on the plane from South Bend. Not Notre Dame fans. Which is blastphome. The wife said I was a nice looking boy with a good head on my shoulder.... before we pulled back from the gate..... and I was the last one on the plane. She said I looked like a celebrity (to appear in the next ramblings post).

All in all, good times. Great to see Rico, Jason, Cari and all the other cousins that could be there. God Bless the open bar.

Halle Berry?

No, Halliburton.

Wow. The Johns really like beating a dead horse with this Halliburton thing. And why not? Dick Cheney was CEO of Halliburton at one time. So it looks like there's some favoritism on the "no-bid contract."

My aunt advised me to look at history, before forming an opinion on these types of issues, so I have done that with our good friends at FactCheck.org and Rich Lowry of Town Hall.com.

Item #1: Cheney will profit from the no-bid contract. This is untrue because all monies paid to the VP by Halliburton is deferred compensation. Every dime paid to Cheney was earned while he was CEO leading up to the campaign when he resigned his position.

Item #2: Bush/Cheney colluded with Halliburton to grant them the no-bid contract. Well, if Bush is to blame, the poster-boy of the Dems is to blame as well. Halliburton was winning no-bid contracts from 1992-1997, during the Bush-41 and Clinton years.

Item #3: This was a no-bid contract. I'll admit, this is in-part true. However, some folk scapegoat Cheney before delving deeper into the issue. As Lowry points out, the Army has a competitive bidding war prior to contracting. Why you ask? Because many of these contracts (especially during wartime) need to be executed in a moment's notice, thus leaving no time for a bidding war. Does anyone ever wonder if there is another company that can even undertake a job like this? Being shot at, having the necessary resources to complete this job... things like that.

This is a really feeble argument as to why Bush/Cheney shouldn't be reelected. I'd buy the arugument if the Texas Rangers all of the sudden were winning world series...

Fall Classic is upon us

Oustanding. Baseball is in the Playoff mode. Allow me to make my predictions:
ALDS: Minnesota over New York 3 games to 1
Boston over Anaheim 3 games to 2
ALCS: Minnesota over Boston 4 games to 3 (game 7 goes extra innings thus proving God is not a Red Sox fan)

NLDS: Cards over Dodgers 3 games to 0
Braves over (suck-)Astros 3 games to 2
NLCS: Cards over Braves 4 games to 1

World Series: Cards over Twinkies 4 games to 2

Three Positives of this year's playoffs:
A. Cubs fans can't complain about foul balls.
2. Roger Clemens can't throw at anyone because he'll get jacked.
D. The Yankees won't even be in the ALCS (I sure hope I don't eat my words on that...)

Note: OOH-Rah for baseball moving out of French Canadia. Best move yet, although I supported contraction. Lets see if DC has what it takes for the second time around with an MLB team. They need a name.... I like the Washington Reagans. No? How bout the Washington Cruise Missiles? Washington Polaks? The Washington Federalists? Wait... do we know where these guys are going to play yet???? I mean like a stadium. Does RFK Still exist? Their fan base will have to be West of the Potomac for the most part. I think the Orioles have claimed most of Maryland. Although I knew one person that was all about DC everything, I'll be she'll change party affiliation.

I love this game.....

Debating about someone else

I like to see a good debate where the goal is to speak as little about yourself as possible, unless directly asked to do so. Vice President Dick Cheney sat down next to Senator John Edwards for rousing debate last night. Hoosier Parliament made a great observation about this meeting of the mind and the mindless.

The night before, I was speaking with a friend of mine that is not Bush supporter (we'll call her Jessica), and we were discussing the upcoming VP showdown. We both agreed, Edwards would be slaughtered by Cheney. By the way she strongly dislikes Edwards, despite their common party affiliation, warrants mentioning.

Anyway, I don't think it was a shalacking like I predicted, but I do think Cheney was better, hands down. At times I think Edwards was defensive, he interrupted Cheney more than once, didn't answer questions at times, and didn't follow directions (with out using your candidate name....). Edwards got a few digs in as well, and he used some of his "Fancy Lawyerin'" to not answer questions. Pretty slick.

We played a drinking game at my house where everytime Edwards said "Haliburton" we took a drink. And yes, I was pretty well on my way by the end of the debate. I think he said it 5 or 6 times in on question... that's a lot of tequila.

Does it ring in on anyone that Haliburton is the only company in America that does construction projects like this? No other company could handle such a large job. And the no bid contract... isn't that the point of having friends in high places? To get things like discounts, free Jags tickets, and cars at costs? How many times have you heard/said "I have a friend who is a lawyer and he always does free legal work for me"? For cryin out loud, people were asking me to use my roommates Tahoe and he was out of the country! It just so happens that these two friends are the President and Vice President, so it's publicized.

Ok, I'm done. Thanks for playing along.

Could I get this deal too???

Bill Simmons strikes again with another fantastic column. It makes me want to demand a trade too!!

Anyway, I haven't done a ramblings entry (a la Bill Simmons) yet, so I think I will now. For those who don't read the Sports Guy, this is a collection of thoughts I've had over the past week or two. They are rarely related to one another. Most are meant to be funny. (I'm all of the sudden reminded of my high school French class....) On with the ramblings....

Before last Friday, I never thought I could say, "Hey, take a look a the golf green on my desk."

My favorite part of the 2004 White Sox was the part when they traded for the same two guys to help them win the division this year as they did in 2003. Correct, they didn't win the division then, either.

Is it wrong to be glad the Cubs didn't make it? I only say this because the Sox didn't.

If Kerry's elected, I might check out those Aussie beaches my small best friend Diana told me about... But I'll most likely stay here, being a boring accountant.

Who took the duck out of my egg???

I said it before... Do you have your own bobblehead, Scott? HAHA Jackass, I do!

Who are these people that call my cell phone and it doesn't show their number? What is this? 1901??

I disagree with Drew Garabo when he says "I'd rather skewer my eyes out than watch the Barenaked Ladies TV Show." Strongly Disagree.

Drew Garabo doesn't like the song "Wonderful Tonight." I know because he hung up on me when I mentioned it.

I love the Drew Show.

Everbody Wang Chung tonight.

There will come a day when I will play video games again and the burglars will rue the day that they practiced their thievery on my xbox.

The best Italian Beef outside of Chicago is Mike's Pizza and Deli Station in Clearwater, FLA. No doubt in my mind.

As much as I hate the Yankees, I don't think Boston will EVER beat them in the playoffs. And if by some fluke luck they do, the NL representative can go ahead and uncork the champagne.

PS- the city of Boston couldn't handle a world series win. They wouldn't know what to complain about anymore.

Maybe its time for John Edwards to have a Dean-like nervous breakdown. Would anyone be against this?

Jacksonville needs your help. Send attractive strippers. I'm talking to you Atlanta and Tampa.

We haven't had a good ole fashion gang riot in a while. Why is that?

Time for Chinese food....

Driving every mile of Interstate 4

Not as impressive as it sounds. But nevertheless, an accomplishment of itself.

I went to Orlando friday to help with hurricane relief, in my own special way. I watched Sister Hazel play an acoustic show. There was a meet-n-greet. I probably weirded out Drew Copeland, and I completely stumped Ryan Newell with a question. Always fun. But it was the opening act that was most exciting. Diana Anaid is an Aussie guitar playing babe. I believe that 3 in plus column. She did a little meet-n-greet that left to this exchange:

Diana (with a sexy aussie accent): Hi, thanks for coming
Patrick: Great show, I'd never heard your music til today. I'm going to pick up your cd.
Diana: Thanks, I apppreciate it.
Patrick: I decided that I need to date a hot Australian girl before I die.
Diana: You know Australia has some beautiful nude beached and they love your accent.
[My accent??? You have an accent.....]
Patrick: Is that an invitation??
[Laughter]

Finished up the weekend in Clearwater and sat 4th row at the Jags game back in Jax(Colts suck).

The debate... late

Time for my thoughts on the debate, because everyone has to put in some kind of opinion in this supposed "Blogosphere" (if I'm even a part of that).

Rhetorical Critiques:
Advantage Kerry. Obviously this guy knows how to get himself out of a verbal jam. He can make anything sound good (if he doesn't get elected, I can get him to sell timeshare). He sounded a little more prepared. All of these things are to be expected. George tends to be better in an one-on-one style, casual format where his awkward pauses and frequent "uhs" aren't garnering scrutinizing and competitive attention. Saying the word is one thing, what is said is a whole other issue.... moving on

Showdown on the issues:
Advantage Bush. Although I think he had the opportunity to really slam dunk Kerry on some issues, he made more strong rebuttals. I give credit to Kerry on some rebuttals (afterall, debates are won and lost in the rebuttals), but overall, I would say Bush edged out Kerry. Many Bush supporters think Bush handily beat Kerry, and Kerry supports think Kerry destroyed Bush. This Bush supporter thinks that Kerry definitely held his own and had some good answers. If Bush would have hit on the irresponsible voting against the infamous eighty-seven billion more (the actual voting against it, not the flip-flop line), I think people would have seen that Kerry flip-flopped in the debate! Kerry said something to the tune of sending ill-equipped soldiers into Iraq and he would never do that, but he tried to! Anyway, Bush had some opportunities, took some and missed others.

Actually Answering the Questions:
Advantage Push. You read that right. I said Push, not Bush. This is a tie. At times the fellas would avoid the question to make a particular point. Maybe they weren't listening. I don't know, but it was annoying at times. Both are guilty.

There ya go. A virtual tie in my eyes and Bush has the same lead in the polls as before. Nothing changed. I admit I thought Kerry would self-destruct, but he held his own.

... I don't feel as confident for Edwards. Cheney will chew him up.